


This Is How You Lose The Star War

by historymiss



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, probably gonna write a few of these so stay tuned, with apologies to max gladstone and amal el-mohtar, yes the title came first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2020-09-27 20:57:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20414206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/historymiss/pseuds/historymiss
Summary: Letters between Rey and Kylo Ren post-TLJ, inspired by This is How You Lose the Time War.





	1. Chapter 1

Rey,

The last time I saw you, you were burning. 

Do not take this as a statement of intent. I simply wish to convey something that has stayed with me, in the long days since our parting, something that may have been merely a symptom of how we parted or a vision from the Force itself. You, alight with righteousness and fire. I do not confess to any special knowledge of your character, but to my mind you have never looked more yourself. Sometimes, I still see you there, in the throne room, as I sit on the seat once occupied by a corpse. I see you now, as I sit here writing (feeling?) this, clumsy bands of longing and regret in the Force almost indistinguishable from my own imaginings. 

I don't even know if you'll get this. It's possible that the bond we have was held together only by Snoke, and that ending his life severed the link.

I have a habit of destroying things precious to me. 

I suppose that is why I send this out. I'm certainly not otherwise given to collecting pen-pals. I just... wish to tell you that I enjoyed our meetings, however they initially came about. That I think of them often. That my offer still stands, should you wish to take it.

Kylo Ren.

P.S Does the smell of charred flesh linger for you, as it does for me? Does your body replay the adrenaline of that brief moment when we fought together, as one unit? Or did that fire burn away those, too?

\----

Ben,

That is Ben, isn't it? I can feel you out there, reaching out to me. I think I got something from you. A message. Not an apology, but... it's a start, I suppose. I'm not ashamed to admit I want to keep talking with you, despite everything, and I think I'm good enough at cloaking my presence that you can't use it to track us. Besides, it's not like I can practice with anyone else. I've been trying by myself, but I always end up practicing lightsaber drills or meditating. I enjoy looking at things through the Force. Everyone has a shape in its flow, and everyone looks different. Did Luke teach you that, before everything? I hope that he did.

Has anyone ever told you that your presence boils the Force? I used to watch distant sandstorms on Jakku, and you're like that, formless, roiling indecision and directionless power. You don't seem to be aware of how big and wild your presence is, or you don't seem to care, because you make no effort to reign it in. Maybe you're just used to not being around people who can sense you like I can any more. Maybe you like knowing that your aura can overwhelm the unwary, like an unexpected storm.

Now I think of it, it's probably the latter, isn't it?

In answer to your question: yes, I remember. I remember every beat of the battle. I remember the hope, most of all. That I had gotten through to you. That maybe the boy drowning in that storm had a chance. 

I don't like to remember beyond that.

Rey

P.S Don't offer that to me again. I refused you, remember? And I'll keep refusing. So drop it.


	2. Chapter 2

Rey,

Yes. It is me. You are correct in all your assumptions except for one: I am not Ben Solo. I’m not sure if I ever have been.

Let me explain: that name was something like a hope on the part of my parents. The child they envisioned was going to be a symbol of the future, finally free from the Empire’s grasp. Maybe they didn’t intend it that way initially, but by the time I was born? I was a household name before I could walk. And when they discovered I could use the Force... Ben Solo was the next Skywalker, a legend. I was fifteen. I find it hard to imagine your puberty was especially awkward, but mine made a convincing argument against my special status. Even before my uncle tried to murder me.

I don’t mean to complain about family, least of all to you. I just wish for you to understand. That name never fit me properly. I would have told you earlier, but I don’t know when it would have been appropriate. In the elevator, maybe? I don’t know. Add it to the list of things I wish I’d said to to you then.

Maybe I’ll get around to them here.

As I said, your other assumptions are correct. I am well aware of how I present in the Force, and it’s effect on others. I do not enjoy it, but I have long since given up hiding what I am. 

Do you know that since your training, you radiate energy like a miniature sun? I was surprised on meeting you in person that the effect is even more pronounced. You barely need that lightsaber you carry. You’re powerful all on your own.

I must cut this short. I’m in a meeting and someone has said something that actually requires my attention.

Kylo Ren

—-

Kylo,

Have it your way, I suppose. At least I know now why you changed your name besides hiding your identity. You’re not fooling anyone. Since we last talked I’ve been quizzing C-3PO on proper letter writing forms, as it’s not really a thing on Jakku. Here’s my attempt:

To his honour supreme leader (that is what you are now, isn’t it? Unless you’ve taken an even sillier title) Kylo Ren,

Thank you for your reply. It’s a pleasure to know that I’m holding up the workings of the First Order even from light-years away. I hope that your meeting was important, and that you missed a lot of vital information.

Next I’m supposed to give some comment on my state or where I am, but all I can say without endangering my friends is that I’m still working on the lightsaber you broke. The central crystal seems to be sheared in two, and it’s going to need a completely new casing. I’m glad to have something to occupy me, though, and I like fixing broken things. Slotting the pieces back into place, making it like new, but with the scars where it was broken- it’s a tiny miracle, each time.

I think that this will need more than a miracle, though- or at least a much bigger one.

That’s a joke. Do you laugh, Kylo Ren? Is there anything like that in the new world you offered me? I never really laughed much before I left Jakku. I can’t imagine the day to day life of a supreme leader has much occasion, I guess.

Sometimes I wonder if you’re lonely. You must be, you’ve stranded yourself out in the middle of an ocean of your own making. I don’t think you have any friends, do you? I’m very lucky to have found mine.

Rey


	3. Chapter 3

To Rey, formerly of Jakku, now with the Resistance and of no fixed abode,

I laugh, when I find things amusing. There hasn't been much of that lately. I imagine, should you have taken my hand when I offered it to you, that you would have had the opportunity to learn these things about me- and more. I think of the world we could have built often. Certainly, it would be better, I am sure, than being Supreme Leader of the First Order, which seems to involve rather more logistical meetings than I ever remember Snoke attending. I suspect General Hux– a tiresome artifact of the Imperial regime- has something to do with this. He thinks I am ill suited for the position, and wants me that I don't want it. He is, uncharacteristically, correct. I have never aspired to leadership. If I want anything, it is to burn– to arc across the galaxy like lightning, as you do, fiery as a starbird being reborn in the heart of a sun.

But, you have requested I 'drop it', and so I will. 

I appreciated your attempt at formal letter writing. I see C-3PO still has a passion for old Naboo forms of etiquette, so I shall respond in kind: your message found me meditating, which I prefer to do while looking out of one of the Finalizer's viewports. Once, I used to sit in front of the melted remains of my grandfather's helmet. These days, this relic holds nothing for me inside its ash-streaked depths. I used to feel I saw something there, in those empty sockets, but now... it seems like it holds only my own reflection, distorted, a mockery of what I was trying to become. After all, I had gotten what I wished. I am truly Vader's heir- I have killed my master in treachery, twice over. I have almost wiped out the only family I have. And you, the light, have risen to oppose me. I should be happy, ecstatic to be confirmed in my role- and yet you know, as I do, that though the Force shapes us into a story, the assignments chafe. 

The structure is getting away from me. I'll recap: Thank you for your message. It found me looking out among the stars, knowing that one of them was you. Next, I seem to recall I should mention the weather? As I'm sure you remember from your visit, there is no weather on my flagship. As I'm sure you also remember, there are several other high-ranking officers within the First Order with whom, as Snoke's apprentice and now as Supreme Leader, I must socialise. I also have my personal cadre, the Knights of Ren. So, to answer your question: I am not alone. 

Yours,

Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, the Jedi-Killer, Master of the Knights of Ren

P.S I include my full title here for your edification. It is, to my mind, unwieldy.

\-----

To His Tallness, the Great Kylo,

After my last letter, I did actually try to imagine you laughing. It was more than a little bit impossible, and I slightly regret not being able to see it in person. This isn't me regretting anything else. I want to make that perfectly clear. Just regretting, perhaps, the Ben I might have known. Though if you hadn't done what you did, I would probably still be stuck on Jakku, so I suppose I should thank you for that. Doing that seems like thanking you for all the terrible things that you've done, though. 

Ugh.

Why is everything with you so complicated? Why do you compare me to a burning starbird across the galaxy in one breath and call yourself the heir of a murderer in another? I know that there is more to you than this role that you claim the Force has shaped you for, that you follow more than the tides of your blood and the relics of a man you never knew. Why do you continue to hide behind a mask you don't want to wear any more?

I don't want to trade barbs with you across the Force. I want what we had before. I want our hands, almost touching, half a galaxy between us. I want you to realise that there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. 

Be honest with me, or end this now. 

Rey


	4. Chapter 4

Rey,

I apologise for the lateness of this reply. Your last message crackled with anger, a wildfire in the Force. You left me with much to think about in the ashes of your words. 

During one of our first meetings in the Force, you called me a monster. I agreed with you. I have never lied to you about this, Rey– have never tried to claim righteousness where there is none. I am, truly, the heir to a murderer. His same poisoned blood runs in my veins, and given time and training I could become something like what he had been. And, for the longest time, that was all I ever wanted to be. The path was laid out for me by others, and I walked it gladly. You won't believe me, but things _were_ simple. 

You are intelligent- you can guess when they ceased to be so.

And I can say, in all honesty, that I do not regret this change. Indeed, if I am to be as honest with you as you demanded, then I will answer that I no longer know what kind of man I wish to be, except, perhaps, one that you may consider fighting beside once again. I am, truly, trying not to hide what I am. The problem with this is that I do not rightly know who or what I am anymore. But this excites me, even as it scares me. Everything is burning down around me and the warmth of the flames feels like life, which I had forsaken for so long, wishing to become a dead thing behind a mask. 

I don't know the name of this warmth, Rey, but I believe it radiates from you. 

Something else true: I like saying your name aloud. I wonder, often, where you are when you get my messages. Not specifics, but only if you are running or resting, if you can see the stars, if the lightsaber you are making is complete yet. 

Another true thing: I think, that had we not been interrupted, I would have taken your hand and never let it go.

Kylo Ren

\-----

Kylo,

Well.

Here are some true things from me:

I don't regret knowing you, either. I hate myself for admitting it, because it means, I suppose, that I don't regret the deaths that you brought about as much as I should, but I asked for honesty from you and I can't withhold it in turn. So, yes– Kylo, I don't regret meeting you. The you, that is, that wouldn't let Snoke torture me. The one who talked to me on Ahch-To. I don't regret meeting him.

I'm talking to that side of you right now, in these messages. That's what I believe, with all my heart. That this is a rope cast into water, unfurling towards the hands of a drowning man. Or maybe I'm just diving in to sink with you into the depths, and we're both lost. 

When I received your message, I was still in hyperspace. I don't like it when we travel that way. It feels empty, somehow, in that folded place between the stars. All you can do is flick the switch and trust in your drive to get you where you need to go. I don't like that. If I'm trusting something to get me away, I prefer it to be my own two hands and my skill. It's probably a product of spending so much time surviving by myself. That was simple, too, but as we both know, simple isn't always the same as good.

There isn't much to do in hyperspace besides rest. I also took the time to finish the repairs on the lightsaber. I think it'll work now, though obviously I will probably end up using it untested. I wish I could say that I don't want to ignite it again, but if we're still being honest with each other, part of me desperately wants to fight. 

I don't know what that says about me. I probably shouldn't admit it, least of all to you, but... I shouldn't even be contacting you anyway. Might as well go the whole bantha.

Rey


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last two letters! Some of Kylo's is an extended dick metaphor, and for this I apologise.

Rey,

I regret that you have been taught to be ashamed of your anger, and your desire to fight. The ideal state of the Force, to my mind, is not perfect stillness. It is existing in the moment, carried forward in a great surge of action that lands you precisely where you need to be, if not, I am learning, exactly where you intended.

I am not where I intended now. But then again, I suppose I have proven myself to be no great expert in the Force, either, despite my best efforts.

To return to the point– I certainly feel that, had I been abandoned alone in a desert, fighting for survival from almost my earliest childhood, I would be inclined to rage. It was your anger that first alerted me to your power, in fact, confirmed when I saw you in person on Takodana. I swear your eyes met mine, even through the mask, and it was like touching lightning. You have always been so strong. I want to emphasize that this is not flattery. I have promised to deal only in facts, after all. This is just the bald and simple truth: that you are stronger than me, Rey. You always have been. 

The Finalizer continues to search for the Resistance base, and I feel like we are getting closer to you. It is like trying to find a candle, blindfolded: I can feel the ghost of your warmth in the Force as we circle and sweep the skies. Soon, perhaps very soon, we're going to meet in person again. I don't hope to expect anything more than a continuation of our fight, or perhaps another door shut in my face. But I find myself... excited, nevertheless. Parts of me I thought long dead are warming, slowly, as life returns, and though it is painful, and I don't know where it ends, it is, I believe, something necessary. 

It will be good to see your face again.

In hope,

Ben

\----

Ben,

I have been angry since I was very small.

I am angry still.

Come find me, in your ship that I can feel like a shard of ice among the greater dark between the stars.

Come fight me.

We'll take it from there.

Rey


	6. Coda: The First Skywalker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS FOR TROS. But I had to do it.

Ben,

I found your calligraphy set on Ahch-To. The second time. Did you know that Luke kept it? I didn’t know what it was, at first, but C-3PO explained its use to me. I realised whose it was when I saw that you’d scratched your name into the leather of the pen roll, and a bunch of tallies.

What were you counting?

I used to count days. Days upon days in the desert, waiting for my parents to return. No reason anybody can ever give will make up for that, I think. The waiting that they forced on me. At least now, as I count the days again, I know that you have a reason not to return.

I am burying this letter with the lightsabers, at the foot of the grave of a woman who believed in the Force, and in love, and in the distant hope of freedom. The voices that whisper over the dunes of Tatooine call her Shmi.

She also believed, I think, in second chances. I feel her sometimes, as an echo in the Force. Her hope. Her life. The love she had for her son, even as she saw the darkness inside him. 

If there’s anyone that can help me, it’s her.

The Jedi texts say that this world is not all there is. That all life is interconnected. That the Force is not water poured from one vessel to another but a candle that can light many flames and still burn bright itself.

So. I bury this in hope. The symbols of our order, at the feet of the woman whose faith began it all.

Tonight, I will meditate, and call you back from the dark.

Be with me, Ben.

I am, always and only,

Rey


End file.
